Case Study: Jay, Korean-American in New York, From "Rejected Every Time" to Dating

Jay is Korean-American and lives in New York. He moved to America at a young age. At the house parties where he started dating, he was the only Asian man in the room, and he got rejected every time he tried. He'd already been through "be yourself" coaches who didn't understand what he was up against. He has trained with Coach D for a few years, and Coach D has watched him go on dates with very attractive women.

In the video above, Coach D talks with Jay on a walk through New York.

Who he is

From Korea, moved to America at a young age, living in New York. Coach D describes him as a high earner, "way above the 200 to 300" thousand. And he isn't after a high count: in Coach D's words, "he wants to have like a wife and family and kids."

Where he was

Growing up in America, Jay says he struggled with "socializing … getting into romantic relationships and interacting with … people in general."

His first real experience of dating was brutal:

"I would go to these house parties and … I was the only Asian in there… I would be the only one kind of strolling around looking for somebody and I would just get rejected every time I tried."

He's clear-eyed about the stereotype. Asian men in the West start with disadvantages, and the default "attractive" type in New York is someone else. But he never took that to mean it was over.

What he'd already tried

Several coaches before Coach D. The problem was that their advice ignored race:

"I had the be yourself kind of coach … who didn't understand the unique like racial dynamics."

"Be yourself" is easy advice when the stereotype isn't working against you. For Jay, it was.

What we worked on

Our method is called the Double-Take Effect: three parts, coached together, so that a woman stops filing you as a type and looks twice. The parts are your profile, who sees you, and your dates. Jay's story is about the third part.

Your dates. Jay has trained with Coach D, who coaches our clients on their dates, for a few years. A lot of it was in person in New York. Jay has watched Coach D create attraction that, in Jay's words, women would "not do … based on his external attributes alone", and trained that same confidence himself. The focus was leading, not waiting to be chosen, and having a backbone. In Jay's words, the aim is to build "men who have backbone and can say no when … they feel that their boundaries are being crossed."

The interview doesn't cover his dating profile or where he dates, so we won't claim anything about those here.

What changed

His dates: in Coach D's words, "I've seen him go on dates with very attractive women."
How he sees it: Coach D says Jay came from a negative mindset about his race and New York, until he saw that it wasn't his fault: it was the environment and the media. From there it was something he could train.

In his own words

"I was the only Asian in there… I would just get rejected every time I tried."

"I had the be yourself kind of coach … who didn't understand the unique like racial dynamics."

"You do have disadvantages … in the west as an Asian man. However, it doesn't mean that you have a zero chance either."

"Suffer hard now so that you can live the rest of your life in peace."

What this means for you

If you're an Asian or Brown man in a city like New York, the stereotype is real, and advice that pretends it isn't won't help you. Jay's story shows the other side: a disadvantage isn't a zero chance. What changed things for him was coaching that started from where he actually stands, and years of training with Coach D.

Want our team on this with you? Most men start with the 21-Day Kickstart: Rags rebuilds your profile and runs two live group texting sessions, Coach D runs three live group date-coaching sessions, and Ravi checks in with you by message every day for 21 days and does a one-to-one with you. USD 2,000, or two payments of USD 1,000.

Individual results; yours depend on where you start and the work you put in.